Trusting in What You Can't Always See

Well..It's been a while. I have thought about writing several times, but never really got around to it. But the Lord was pressing on my heart this morning, to fight against the temptation to be lazy and put it off one more day. So here I am, hoping that someone will gain from my attempt to be transparent and serve the Lord with my words.

I was talking with a good friend that the Lord has blessed me with in this new season of my life, and a topic came up that has always been a struggle for both of us. Trust.

Trusting anyone really, with information, with stories you don't want to be repeated...but most importantly, trusting in the One that gives us our every breath.

Trust can be really easy when everything is going well. When money is stable, when your grades are good, when your family is happy with you..

but what about when all that fails? 

                            When it feels like no one is on your side?
                     That's when it's the hardest.

When you have to fall to your knees and give everything you hold to the Lord and fully trust.

I don't know about you, but that's not my first instinct. The first thing I want to do when everything goes down is lock myself away and have a pity party.

Party of one. No one else. You want to help me get out of my funk? Sorry, you weren't invited and I would rather be miserable alone.

THIS is where we go wrong. When God places people in our lives to help us and do life with us, and we shut them out because we're too grumpy to deal with our heart.

When we aren't trusting in the Lord, we don't usually trust anyone, we tend to turn into ourselves and only trust what comes from us. Which is really pointless, because, if we're honest, we don't really even trust ourselves to remember to turn the stove off before we leave the house, not to mention trusting ourselves to fix our own life. We just turn into selfish, self-seeking, miserable people.

In our own selfishness and pity we shut those out that love us the most, and it hurts.

But that's the amazing thing about our God, no matter how many times we fail and put our selfishness above all else, He still loves us and He still sent his Son to die for us-that's something that will never change. Even when everything in this world is changing and unreliable, HE is constant and HE is unfailing

"The Lord himself goes with you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8


It can be a constant battle for some. But we do have hope in ONE thing. The Lord is not finished with us yet.

Paul writes in Philippians 1 that "..I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

We serve a loving and gracious God that knows our every thought and every plan for our future. And we can have hope in that, that can be found NOWHERE else. Not in man, not in security, not in possessions.

As easy as it is to turn inward and run to our favorite TV show or book to escape, that's only a temporary fix that will never satisfy our need for our Savior.

"Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me to the cross."

I don't know about you, but when I'm trusting fully in the One who gave me life, I am a much happier person all around.

So this is my prayer for myself, and for whoever reads this and can relate, that the Lord would be the first place we run when things aren't really going our way. That He would be our comfort and that, in that, we would be able to love those around us and invite them into our hearts, working things out together, in love.

xKassiex

Wait. Hope. Pray. REPEAT.

While I was driving down the road the other day I turned on the radio to one of the christian radio stations and this song was on. Now this song is from the movie Fireproof, which most adults recoil at, noting its terrible acting and cheesy lines, but one of my best friends and I (hey Abby! ;)) actually really liked this movie.

Anyway, the lyrics to this song are, and always have been very convicting for me. The whole song is about waiting on the Lord BUT while waiting still serving and following and trusting Him. I don't know about you but that's hard for me. It's hard to trust and follow when you just really want to know when or how something is going to happen.

Right now I feel like my whole life is in waiting: school, this long, long-awaited adoption, my future career...

All of these are frustrating to be on this side of and not be able to see the finish line anywhere in sight.

As most of you know, we've been waiting to bring these children that we're adopting home for a very long time. But still we're waiting, sometimes not so patiently. I've finished a whole year of school but I'm still not even in the nursing program. And I need an education to start the career I would like....

"I will move ahead, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting."  Sometimes my heart can't really truly sing those lyrics and mean them, but it's something to work on.

While I'm worrying about my grades or what comes next in life, I need to stop and sit in the moment. The Lord has given me everything I need already, so why spend what he's given me on worrying?

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Matthew 5:25

I, we, have to remember that the Lord is our Strength, Provider, and only He knows what the future brings. And we need to trust that.

xKassiex

Back to the Blog

So it's been a while, I almost forgot I had a blog. I've been feeling led to start writing and sharing my thoughts again. I've made excuses, plenty of them, about how I don't have time and I don't have anything to write about..

But if I'm honest I'm just lazy and don't want to take the time to sit down and process what's going through my head. So here's to writing more about my life right now and what God's teaching me through this crazy time.

See you soon.

xKassiex

By the Grace of God

This is a little out of my comfort zone, but I guess that's where God likes me. That's where He likes all of us. Vulnerable and broken of our ways, with only Him left to lean on.

In June of 2011 I went to Haiti. While that was a life-changing experience in and of itself, it had no competition against what meeting my 2 'future' siblings would do to me.

For the better part of my life our family has been trying to adopt. First locally, then we moved on to internationally. It wasn't that big of a deal to me, at first. We'd been trying and anything but succeeding for a while and this was just another try. Well, that's what we thought. We thought we weren't succeeding, that's what it felt like.

But then we were thrown into 2 little lives, that would change ours. Forever.

 When I met them, I fell in love completely. So it's no wonder why my mom did also. 

But as time went on, more and more complications kept coming up with the adoption. It became more of a heartache than a blessing, more hurtful than joyful, and we were all worn out. But my mom kept fighting. She hasn't given up, even to this very day. And I respect her so much for that. It's taken so much for her to keep going. 

Even though I haven't told her yet, she's set an amazing example of endurance for all of her kids. So, when we finally succeed, which I have faith that we will, and the Lord decides to bring those kids into our home, they're going to see that their mama never gave up. 

Although I didn't tell many people this, I did give up. In my pure selfishness I gave up. I said "there's too much back and forth, I can't deal with this anymore." or  "I'm too young to be worried about this, I don't want to know anything else. If it happens, it happens, until then don't tell me about it." 

It hurts me to write those words. The fact that I could have so much selfishness in my heart makes me sick. But God knew where I was at. And he let me be there. He let me wallow in self pity and selfishness.

Until today.

Today He woke me up, smacked me around a little and then graciously showed me a way that I could help out.

He showed me my selfishness of letting my mom carry the burden of raising money, of being here and not there with them, of being strong emotionally. That's not how it's supposed to be. Galatians 6:2 says "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Sometimes I forget, in all the 'mom' stuff, that my mom is still my fellow sister in Christ. Or however that works. We're still bound in Christ, and I can't deny that.

So how can I help her? How can I make this a little bit easier? I'm not really sure.

But I'll start by this: If you're feeling led to help out financially, please, please PLEASE do.

It's really the only thing left standing in our way. And we now have a deadline. SO if you know anyone who is looking for a way to help out, or you yourself are feeling lead to help PLEASE make it happen. My mom has been trying and we haven't been getting too much response. Not to say we haven't been blessed through the whole journey by so many, and we are so grateful for that. And we still need your help!







So this is my way of trying to branch out to a new group of people. I know you may not have extra money laying around (I mean who does in this economy? Not most people) BUT there are some that do. Or that are willing to sacrifice to help out. So maybe it's not you, but I'm sure you know someone. So please get the word out there. Talk to your friends about it, your friends parents, everyone. Please help us bring these sweet babies home.

Thank you.

xKassiex

Life's a Journey

I've been encouraged multiple times recently to write about my story. To go back to day one and write down my journey. Whoa. Just thinking about that makes me want to crawl under a rock.

Not because I don't want to, but because I know I have to. And it's going to be HARD. And it's going to take a lot of time. Lots of fear and tears and emotions, and searching my heart and racking my brain.

My story is a little bit different from everyone else's. But if I know that one person can benefit or someone can be left with a sense of comfort it will be worth it. So for now, I'll write down the bullet points, little memories that come to mine. It's gonna be a long story. It's a long journey.

Maybe one day I can get it all together and have a beautiful piece of work that marks God's hand all throughout my life so far. That's my prayer.

xKassiex

Country Boy's World

No, this post is not about some country Prince Charming that I met. I wish. But it IS about my Savior, who far surpasses any country boy, or his truck.

Preparing for my flight back home from the Dominican Republic after a month, got me thinking about my flight out of my home state and then out of my country.

I love my country, I'm not a super political person (ok, who am I kidding, I know nothing about politics) but I do know that I love North Carolina. I really don't ever want to leave, so I told the Lord that unless he picks me up and puts me somewhere else, I plan to stay. This is home for me. My family is here, my friends are here, my amazing church is here. SO, as far as I'm concerned, I'm staying. We'll see what the Lord has planned for me.

Let's just say I..HATE..flying. Every part of it: the airport, security, taking off, landing, baggage claim, customs. ALL OF IT. It stresses me out to no end.

I mean I'm not sure why anyone would think this is fun.

But on the way out of the US I had a super-natural peace. Security went very smoothly, I found my gates without any problem, I even had someone to talk to on my flight from Miami to Puerto Plata.

My least favorite part, however, is landing. The no electronics thing really kills me. SO I plugged into the American Airlines country radio station, ya know, the one that only plays one hit wonders and lots of old Taylor Swift? What can I say, desperate times call for really desperate measure. But as we were landing Country Boy's World by Jason Aldean came on, which just so happens to be one of my favorite songs that isn't on regular radio.

I know you guys are laughing right now. It sounds really silly, I know. And the fact that I'm writing about Jason Aldean is probably making you want to stop reading. But don't..that's not why I'm writing. I won't go off on a tangent about how much I love his music..or him. ;)

Preparing for both of my flights I prayed countless times that the Lord would comfort me. In some way that I'd be able to recognize that He was there with me. And, although small, I was still comforted. He knows what puts my heart at peace and He put those things in my path through all of my traveling.

On the way home I met a team from a church in TN. They were the sweetest people I've ever met in my life. They started talking to me and then invited me to dinner in Miami with them and helped me through customs. It was perfect. God always knows exactly what I need, right when I need it.

I am so grateful for those sweet people from TN and for God's grace and close comfort through my travel.

This got me thinking even more. What little comforts do we miss that God puts in our daily path? When we're at wits end with our pre-nursing classes and don't think we're cut out for it only a month into it (oh, maybe that's just me). What are we missing in the business of life? I can guarantee it's a lot. Because when I take the time to slow down and listen to God, he blows me away. Every time.

So maybe this a challenge for you, but mostly for me: To stop with the craziness of this overrated life we're living here on Earth and look up, and have renewed hope of the eternal life we're working toward everyday.

xKassiex

Last Few Days

I've fallen behind on my journal entries once again. So here's to catching up..

7/26/12:


This last week has flown by so fast! It's been quite a roller coaster of emotions for me so far. I was having a hard time before with missing home and adjusting here. But now that I only have a week I'm really starting to enjoy every moment here. Starting to see the beauty of this place through different eyes.

That's how it tends to go, right? We spend our time miserable and pitying ourselves when we don't like what we're seeing or feeling but when we finally step back and look at the blessings, it's almost time to leave.

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16 it says "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Tough stuff, huh? Yeah, I sure thought so.

I mean how much can I really complain about?

So, what to do now? ..REJOICE!
Be thankful in every circumstance while I'm still here.
Pray when I can feel myself getting angry and frustrated with the people around me.
Spend as much time in the Word as I can.
Take every opportunity to fulfill God's will for me here.
And most importantly:
Be satisfied with my time here and also, be so happy to go home to my family.
All praise to God for getting me this far.

I think that we get too wrapped up in our discomfort for our own good. Sure wherever we are may not be too pleasant.

Whether it's the small dorm room you got, the house you had to downgrade to because of the economy, the used car you had to buy just to get around, whatever it is; glory to God for providing just what we need. For never leaving or forsaking us. And for giving us everything we need in His perfect timing.

Now, easier said than done, I know. 

Having air-conditioning in your car is quite nice. (so I've heard, none of our cars have working air-conditioning.) Or having the bigger dorm is nice. Or having an extra bedroom in your house for guest is nice. It's all nice. But that's where we go wrong. We've made "nice" into "necessity" for our comfort.

So let's all step back and redefine our necessities. I promise we're all holding onto something nice when we really just need the necessary.

xKassiex

Joyfully

"What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord. What peace, what peace for those whose confidence is Him alone!"

This song really captures how it feels to have hope and peace in the Lord. 

Pure joy. 

You don't always feel it. But when you do, it fills you up to overflowing. 

When you're focusing on God and not on Earthly things, and how you can make yourself happy, He can blow you away with His timing.

I've been working on that a lot lately. Trying to find my hope and peace in God instead of searching this world for things, or people, that will satisfy me. And let me tell you, He's blowing me away.

I was trying to call my friend's phone the other day, and since I'm out of the country I have to use Skype. Well, my account was out of credits so I got on my dad's account. Much to my surprise and delight one of my favorite people in this whole world was online.

It's been forever since I've talked to her. After she moved everything got busy. (When I say forever, I really mean less than a year, but that's forever in my book. Going from everyday to almost a year, that's forever.)

I was ECSTATIC. Like a little girl in a candy shop. I was giddy and giggly the whole time. I couldn't even contain my excitement. 

It was so good to see her sweet face. And her sweet little boy. I love that little guy. I wish I could've gotten to know her husband more before they left, but I'm sure there will be a time.

It was so good to see her and know that she's doing well. E-mail just doesn't cut it sometimes. Although she answers (MOST) of my e-mails, it's still so great to see her face.

She has been through so much with me. Thick and thin, she never gave up on me. 

And I'm forever grateful for that.

I never would've guessed that a teacher would turn out to be someone that I respected so much, and walked so closely with, throughout high school and into college.

I've come so far in my life and my walk with the Lord since I saw her last. I wish she could be here to walk side by side with me through this next part of my life. But, apparently that wasn't in the Lord's plan. And that's ok. I'm really proud of her and what she's doing now, even though it's not what I would've chosen. :)

If it was MY plan, she'd be right here helping me study for this dang math entry exam that's looming over my head. And sitting on her front porch sipping tea, reading, talking, laughing and crying. Her face lighting up when she sees me making progress in anything.

She's really good at that. She makes you feel so accomplished over the smallest things. Like every baby step you take is a huge leap in her eyes. That's one of my favorite things about her. It's really refreshing from the negative world we live in today.

I really miss her, a lot. Her smile, her laugh and her sweet, soft, yet (often) confrontational words and advice. (what can I say, I was a freshman in high school, I needed it. Don't we all? :))

OH, and her awesome teaching. She was by far THE best teacher I've ever had. She's the best, I can guarantee.

Her face will light up any room she walks into, and I know she's lighting up rooms all over the place now. I just can't wait to see her face in person again.

Until then..If I could say only one thing to her, it would be: Thank you.

I don't think I ever really told her that when she was home.
But I am so thankful for her life in mine.
For what she has invested in me and my life.
For the emotions she felt for me when I wasn't really sure what to feel.
For all the time, tears and laughs she poured into our relationship.
And for the effort she continues to give to keep up with me and my life.

So...thank you, thank you, thank you.

A million times, thank you.

I love you.

xKassiex

Friends of God

During one of the night worship times we were singing Nothing but the Blood. A song that we've all sung countless times.

I think that sometimes when we know a song that well, the words lose their power. Kind of like we're mindlessly just singing the melody while our mind wanders elsewhere: who we're gonna hang out with after, what kind of pizza we're gonna have delivered to the dorm, and unfortunately, the reality of the to-do list we have when we get home. Any number of things can go through our minds while we're singing words that have lost their meaning.

To me that's not very worshipful. So when I find my mind wandering, I stop singing and just read the words on the screen. So that's what I did during this song. Just read the words, and closed my eyes listening to the many voices in the room singing and worshipping the same God.

As I was listening, one lyric hit me really hard. It wasn't new or different, but just focusing on the words can point out lyrics you never really paid attention to before: "welcomed as the friends of God." It took my breath away.

That God would welcome us, not just 'let' us, but welcome us. As friends. When we had done absolutely nothing to deserve it, while we were filthy and ashamed, He welcomed us all the same.

I think we have the tendency to choose our friends based on our similar interest. What activities we're involved in, mutual friends, even sometimes looks.

As if the lyric didn't hit me hard enough, the pastor got up and read 1 John 5:1 "Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child has well."

He welcomed us when we were dirty and broken, as friends.

So who are we to choose or not choose people, to be our friends, because of their circumstances?

We have to love them if we love God. No matter how different we are, how weird we think that person is, what our other friends think..it doesn't matter. If we love God we will love His children. Because we're "Welcomed as the friends of God."

xKassiex